GASTOWN, BC: Clutching it like a newborn baby, Gastown resident David Walsh fell asleep with a bottle of Sriracha in his own bed late last night.
After a wild night of partying, Walsh came home to an eclectic refrigerator stash – hot dog buns, white bread, whole wheat bread, and Sriracha.
“That’s right, he had three types of bread in his fridge...” a source close to Walsh recalled. His eggs were in the pantry.
Making due with his roommate’s old cheddar cheese, Walsh settled on microwaved cheese sandwiches – mostly because his landlord hadn’t fixed the stove once after two years. In total, Walsh prepared three sandwiches, spanning all three types of refrigerated bread. Looking to prevent his meal from becoming what might have been called ‘pathetic’ or ‘very sad’, Walsh spiced things up by adding a half bottle of Sriracha to the mix. The bottle-clutcher made five pitiful shake-n-squirts before he reached an acceptable amount of dipping sauce for the aforementioned sandwiches.
After the feast, Walsh tossed his plate aside, crumbs and all, before rolling onto the still-open bottle of Sriracha and falling into a deep, satisfied slumber. Also in Walsh’s bed at the time: crumbs, a toenail, and an empty bag of ‘Sweet Chili Heat’ Doritos.