BREAKING: Vancouver Homeowners To Face New Child Taxing Policy


Vancouver, BC

In a statement today, Mayor Gregor Robertson stressed his commitment to managing the housing crisis. On top of his 15% foreign real estate tax and his vacant housing tax, he will roll out a new child tax.

“The issue here in Vancouver is that too many people are having children,” Mayor Robertson said earlier today. He continued “the mayor’s office has decided that we need to cool off the swelling of child population in the entire metro area. To do this, any family buying a house with more than one child will be taxed a full child. We have not yet decided on what to do with our developing child trust. We can only hope that these children will not remain in Vancouver.”

In other words, if you buy a house while you have two or more children, one of your children will be seized by the government, and hopefully be made to leave the city.

“I think it’s a great development,” said Tracy Williams, who is 60, and a mother of five. “I mean, not to be rude, but there’s just too many damn kids these days. They all need to piss off.”

“Yeah, I mean, hasn’t it occurred to these young kids to just up and leave already?” Sam Atkins had to say, of Langley. “I bought my first home back in ‘55. Cost me about twenty thousand. Kids these days don’t know how to strike a bargain. If they can’t haggle, they should go look somewhere else.”

The tax, set to begin in 2017, only applies to children born from 1999 onwards. In other words, children over the age of 18 don’t need to worry about being moved, but they should still get a job, Jesus.

Many young people were upset about the tax online, but they got over it when they realized housing prices are expected to drop about 20% over the next five years.

Image courtesy of A E S T H E T I C S 幽玄

#satire #vancouver #housing

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