Vancouver Ecosexual’s Relationship on the Rocks

Dear Ford,

I’m a thirty-something male ecosexual, and my relationship is getting a bit stale. We’ve been seeing each other since we met at a tour of Yellowstone National Park just over a year ago. The sex is great – we last for hours, talk dirty, and cuddle so long – but outside of the bedroom something’s just off. Maybe the cracks in the foundation are starting to show. I’ve always loved his strong, silent-type act, but it’s gotten a bit monotonous. When I come home from work, he’s always right where I left him, and when I ask him what he’s done all day he won’t even answer me. That was actually what I wanted at first, someone who didn’t need me to look after them, but I hate the distance. Ironic, I know. Maybe it’s because he’s getting older – 500 million next year – but I never really felt the age difference until recently. I mean, he’s my rock, literally, he’s a fucking rock, so I’m determined to make this work.

Sincerely,

Taken for Granite

Dear Taken,

Although seeing someone with such a drastic age difference can be daunting – know that you’re not alone. I myself am no stranger to a May-December romance. Why, my first great love was an ageless celestial water demon. She was difficult. Always going on and on about the plane of eternal fire and how she’ll have to unite with Thunder and Wind to seal it forever. But I digress. All you have to do is find new things to talk about – find something deep in those old crevices.

Shift the focus away from the mundane – avoid flavorless questions like “how was your day?” Ask your beau about the song they listened to most recently, or their favorite new show, or the happiest they’ve been recently. Get away from the sedimentary lifestyle. Go outside and do something you haven’t done before, like rolling him down a big hill or taking a trip to White Rock.

The fissure between you might be insurmountable, and that’s okay too. In my case, I just wanted to move in and have her meet my parents, but Arnapkapfaaluk was more keen on taking the form of a fearsome kraken and flaying sailors alive. Some people never grow up. We still text, though.

Ford

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